Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
David Letterman compliments, then punches McCain in the face. Verbally.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Scientists have discovered a way to re-grow hair using stem cells and a special secret sauce. I don't know about you, but grounding up a few baby embryos to ensure I never go bald is a fair deal. (I know they don't actually need embryos anymore, but it makes for a better joke.)
50% of all men will experience some form of hair loss, Ranging from the bridge and tunnel look doll hair look to more of a James Gandolfini kind of problem. Either way, scientific breakthroughs like this are going to make for a interesting and hopefully baldness-less future. Soon, all those hot chicks will be able to focus on how shitty of a guy you are instead of how bald you look.
Apparently this treatment will be entering human trials and should be available in the next 3 years, unless Sarah Palin and company have something to say about it.
Has violence permeated every facet of society? NO!!!
Just as many of those hairy palmed d-bags voted last election as they did before people were impressed with their bullshit interest in politics. If the youth of this country (my demographic included) fucks us over again, I will make it my personal mission to punch every intellectually sycophantic , Birkenstock wearing, vacuous douche bag NYU student I come in contact with.
In closing this bearded ramble I would like to state that I personally don't think the debates are going to change anybody's minds. You watch the debate to root for your team, to be reminded why you chose to be a fan of your team. More importantly, you want to see your team beat the living crap out of the other team. I want to see Obama pulverize McCain and his broken elbows into a sack of quivering vaginas.
Friday, September 12, 2008
I don't know how you feel about what is important in life but I would rank having had a broad range of experiences as pretty much the most important a human can do in their few years of existence.
Anywho, I was watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (which is probably the funniest show on TV) and the main characters became crack addicts. Perhaps I am just an uptight nerd but I have never tried crack. Have you? It doesn't look like all that much fun but I have to admit that I am curious as hell.
So here is my suggestion for all of us prudicious nerds out there - let's make Drug Island. Before you get ahead of myself, let me explain. Drug Island would be like peer pressure and rehab all wrapped into one. We would be a fully comprehensive life destroying/restoring service. We/our clients show up to the island, do a bunch of drugs and then get rehabilitated before we return to our normal lives. No harm, no foul. After all is said and done, we can say we smoked some crack.
Maybe this is a lot to go through to do some drugs but like I said, I am a nerd. I mean, I hear private islands are expensive. You know what though?....if Richard Branson can blow some lines on his private island with his kids, why can't we recreate this situation for ourselves and many others that want to pay us a lot of money for this service?
I guess I could just do drugs like all of our Ivey League friends do but my parents (and probably yours) don't have lawyers on retainer and time shares at the Betty Ford Clinic, so what do you say?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Manternet isn’t really a gadget site per se, but then again its not really a website that uses the phrase “per se” a lot. I don’t claim to be enough of a nerd to be able to properly review any device more complicated than a coal BBQ. I mean brains are for pussies and ugly chicks. Any who, I never liked the original iPhone. I thought it was ugly, fat and slow. I never found aluminum and black to be an attractive color combination and the Edge network is as unbearable as any random Chuck Norris movie. However, the new 3G iPhone is one sexy piece of gadget ass. It has nice sleek Latin curves and the glossy black finish is nut bustingly gorgeous. If I’ve never had sex in my life I would mess my pants, but I have, so I know better than to blow my load over a gadget.
Not much to say. Its simple and elegant enough for a rabbit to use. Oh, did I mention it’s not customizable, in any really sense of the word.
Mantastic!!! I never had a Blackberry, but I did briefly own a touch screen windows mobile phone and I have to say that the integration of the keyboard throughout the iPhone is pretty solid. Purist will cry rivers of blood proclaiming tactile keyboards as king. Sure it’s easy to make a spelling mistake, but the internet is making people dumber and dumber, who’s going to notice if you spelt sumting wronge.
The call quality is really impressive. I have long hated Apple’s products that had anything to do with sound. (iPods are perfect for the YouTube generation, aka, people who consume vast amounts of low quality content.) Fortunately The iPhone 3G can be enjoyed by those who actually care about whether or not the person on the other end sounds like they are in a tin can. The music sound quality still isn’t quite as good as the Zune or any creative mp3 player, but only by a small margin. Unfortunately , the included head set feels like someone is sticking concrete dildos in your ears. Once you have successfully raped your ears with them, you will be treated to some of the worst sound quality you've ever experienced. Suffice to say you should add in a new headset to the cost of the device.
The Faux Desktop browsing is certainly better then the junk you get on most phones. But it still isn’t real desktop browsing. There is NO flash support, no embedded QuickTime support, no tabbed browsing and no page search function. What will chap your pale hipster ass is that you can’t even search the damn page for a certain word or phrase; you have to douche-ily pinch and squeeze your iPhone like a molested child lost in the woods trying to find his pants! If you don’t have any use for the CNTRL-F function in a web browser than you won’t really care about that. But, I still find the experience enjoyable enough to waste hours of my time on it, unless I’m just trying to make myself feel better about the $90 after tax monthly bill.Email:
I can't think of anything easier than setting up E-mail on the iPhone 3G, except maybe wining in a prison shank fight against a newborn baby.
Punches to the Cerebellum:General:
There are things that boggle the mind, but are ultimately very “Apple,” if you get what I mean. You can’t assign custom ring tones to text, email, or calendar notifications. You can’t even make your own ring tones on the fly, you need to use iTunes. On top of that, you can only make ring tones out of songs you purchased!!! Luckily there are websites like these. Also, the phone doesn’t switch fast enough between Edge and 3G, but Apple has admitted to the problem and is working on a solution.
Overall the phone is very good, if not great, but with the phone you get iTunes. iTunes is the absolute worst aspect of this phone. I would go as far as to compare it to any of Steven Seagal’s movies of the last 20 years. That is to say it is a gelatinous, sweaty bloated version of what it should be. It gobbles up your system resources and it is over simplified to the point where you wish it had a face just so you could round house it in the jaw. The main issues are that backing up takes at least 25 min, you can’t sync individual songs, and you can’t use the device on more than one computer without wiping out the phone first. Its too much of an all or nothing process. When you think about it, that sounds really manly, but in software it’s downright annoying. I don’t want to completely miss-state anything (only partially) but it at least does fill in the gaps on your phone. If you added a new contact or calendar event or song, it will add the new stuff on your *designated* computer. However, when it comes to media content, the fact that you don’t have the option to be selective is really silly. If however you are tyring to use a different computer or have recently bought a new one or reformated an old one, you get to go through the hassle of having iTunes clear everything off of the phone, even after you have authorized the new system. The unfairly hated and I feel much better Zune software offers a lot more control and flexibility.
If there was ever a phone forged from steel this phone is certainly not it. It may just be the 2.0 software (even the 2.01 doesn’t help) but this thing goes down more often than abstinent tweenager in the stairwell at catholic school. Apple enthusiasts will scream and shout and throw wrinkled brows of doubt and confusion at you claiming their phone has never crashed EVER. As they sip their Pabst Blue Ribbon, feel free to punch them hard enough that they vomit that junk beer all over their GAP skinny jeans. If you befriend an Apple cultist, they will eventually let slip that the software is a big steaming pile of man-crap and crashes constantly. Some blame the Apps, one of the biggest most advertised features of the new software. If I can’t install apps because your quality control sucks balls, then don’t tell me how amazing it is to have an App store.
Coming from Verizon, At&t is just not as good. There is no argument to be made, its just a simple fact. At&t's service isn't the nightmare some people would have to believe, but you do get a lot less signal strength going inside of even small buildings. I'd say their service is very good, while Verizon's is near perfect.
The new iPhone 3G is like that hot stripper chick you want to break up with (wish you dated), but she is just too damn hot. She does a lot of things that make you feel really good, but doesn’t do certain more important things that she absolutely should be better at. Sometimes you want to have really deep intelligent conversations, but she is just 2 points away from being fully blown moron, but on the other hand she keeps YOU fully blown. The phone has reception problems, massive stability issues, sluggish contacts and customization limitations that will blow your mind, but in the end that ass is just too fine to return to where you bought it from. The good news is most of the problems I have with the phone should be fixed with the 2.1 update. Which, if you troll the numerous gadget sites, is the proper OS, not the half baked one they shipped with the device. Even better news is that you can use your purple headed warrior to navigate the iPhone3G, if you so desired.
If I possessed the ability to love, I’d have to say I really really like the phone.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Check the Link:
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The clip is quite mantastic, but I'm pretty sure I suffer from that disease.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Apparently breaking peoples arms helps your vocal chords. Take a man-gander at Steven Seagal's music video from his album, "Songs from a Crystal Cave." I'll keep this post short, since the video speaks for it self. I'm a little disappointed he didn't put in the trademark Seagal cock-walk, but he does beat the shit out of two kids in the video.
To quote Ron Burgandy (in the Alternate cut of Anchorman), "I...have no...words."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
There is a such thing as being ridiculously, unforgivably politically correct. In a very American move the Mars Corporation showed its utter lack of brass balls and gave into the excessive political correctness of The Human Rights Campaign by pulling the ad campaign; an ad campaign that doesn't even run in the U.S.A. There is a point where political correctness becomes more irritating than a nagging girlfriend. I think that tipping point is when you start spreading your tight assedness beyond the natural and cultural borders of your country. Stupid digital age!!! Only two complaints were logged in the U.K. over this ad. I thought those pale, blood pudding eating wankers were supposed to be the the puffers of the world, not the muscle brained Americans. Oh how times have changed. With all of the energy spent on getting ads pulled for overly sensitive organizations for people who are superficially insulted, there are a lot more important things going unfixed. For example, John McCain might actually become president of the U.S.A. Again, I feel the sudden urge to say FUCK YOU.
It's a good thing no one reads this blog, or the Human Rights for Meat Heads Campaign would have a field day.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Well, robotics are finally approaching that age old litmus test of technology, "Can I fu#@ it?" It happened with the personal computer, the blender, the cell phone and even HDTV s. You name it and it hasn't become mainstream until it nailed that standard, statistically of course.
Can you imagine a world where kids are flying around on their hoover boards, magazine covers have animated advertisements and wingmen in bars around the world no longer have to take a hit for the team with the fat girl, but the robotic one? I mean, can you imaging how awkward it will be to have to reboot mid-coitus. Especially if it is anything like a CD tray on a computer, that closes shut whenever you restart.
Robotics experts (aka the sex depraved Japanese) say within 10 years we should be able to check our email, synchronize our outlook calenders and knock one out while listening to our favorite MP3's, all in the same Asian schoolgirl sex-droid. Here's to a bright future with universal health care and fu$@able robots.
I'm sure this is raising a few burning questions in your beer-soaked brains. Will it make porn obsolete? I mean, if you can program a hot sexy robot to do all of the things that you tug off to in hot sexy porn, then who needs porn? Does it count as sex if you don't have to buy it dinner?
I think the thing that is going to be the biggest problem with men having sex with robots is that they will grow to care even less about the G-Spot, which will bring to a boil the collective estrogen in the female population and there will be world wide nagging chaos on a biblical scale.
Don't forget to take the poll to the right and be honest!
Please feel free to send in your finds to firstname.lastname@example.org Oh, and forget I said please.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I am man-crushing on Al Gore's ideas. In the speech above, Al Gore calls upon all of us to push to make a total change in how this country (and the world) thinks and acts with regards to our uses and sources of energy.
Let's think of using renewable energy in more man-friendly terms - getting laid.
Renewable energy is like that girl that you always wanted, not just for a night or two but that girl that if you did get, you would want to keep her for a very long time. We all know that girl almost never comes around but she is the hottest, smartest, coolest chick you have ever met and if you are going to get her, you are going to have to work? These girls take time, effort and (sometimes) money to get. You can't just buy her a drink at the bar and magically she is with you forever. You can't just play the same old shitty game and use the same old tired lines to win her over. You have to work at it, take her to the right spots, share the right conversations, introduce her to your friends, go out with her and her friends, create some memories together and yes, show her the time of her life in bed. We all know the dividends pay off when everything works out right.
Using oil and other limited energy sources is like cruising Hunt's Point for that worn out box that will leave you feeling and perhaps actually make you a little dirtier each time you come back. What's worse, her prices keep going up and her allure keeps going down.
If we truly want peace and autonomy, we need to stop paying the Middle Eastern and South American pimps and start working on landing Miss Universe. Once we do, we and our children can keep getting laid by her (ugh...did I take that analogy too far?) because we did the more difficult but, eventually, more effective things from the start.
Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton have lent their support for wecansolveit.org. The manternet does not support either of these men, in fact we are actively opposed to their divisive and unlaudable tactics. Please avoid we can solve it and get involved in other ways. I know some people may want us to put aside philosophical disagreements to make progress happen but nothing about these men represents progress and the enormous damage they have done will not be compensated for by this current mini-campaign for good.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Enjoy the following clips from one of the most testosterone laden films, "Glenn Garry Glenn Ross." After all, you deserve it. You did have the brass balls to wonder if The Manternet was dead. Next time that thought crosses your mind, ask yourself one question. Can a blog forged from steel in the fiery heart of a volcano die? (hint: the answer is maybe)
(p.s. As a blog for men, by men, with men and about men; We are rescinding our apology because like all men, we were right the first time... You're Welcome.)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
For the first guy to express his love to you?
For the first guy with whom you make a conversational connection?
For the first guy you meet at the bar?
For the next guy that you see on the street?
Okay, you get the point... What is true love and for what is it waiting? Well, I contend that there is no “True Love.” Love is love... I am a man, so the whole concept is unequivocally elusive to me but it seems highly unlikely that between two of the 7 billion people on this planet, this feeling is exclusive…extremely unlikely. I also contend that there is no standard by which we are capable of determining the veracity of love.
What confuses me about these pants though is not that they are effective at warding me off from potential mates but that they indicate idiocy and potential for anal and oral. That’s right! If you buy these pants for your daughter (and she decides to wear them), you probably will make her less attractive to me because it will increase my impression of her being an idiot (I only enjoy banging smart women) but it will also bolster my impression that she will give up the other two sexual outlets more easily than she would have otherwise. Every girl that I have met that follows this ideological construct is far more likely to have sex in some way that isn’t “conventional” because they want to have sex but one hole is indicated as more deserving of reverence than the other two. I don’t get it. In other words, the pants do nothing but to foster delusion and to lead young women from a more reasonable understanding of their biology and sex. I can’t wait until we all grow up and understand the usefulness of reason and contraception. For now, I will try to influence every attractive woman that I meet into believing that none of her holes deserves reverence.
Friday, July 4, 2008
An interesting little blurb on The Huffington Post talks about what some people might be doing with their Erectionomic Stimulation packages from Bush. I'm not sure how factual these statistics are. Considering it was an Adult Internet Market Research Company, I assume of course that the analysts themselves are porn stars. Last time I checked, porn stars aren't known for their math skills, unless they are tea baging a scientific calculator.
Don't these idiots know YouPorn is free?
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Have you have ever seen an image that needed less words to describe it? Me neither.
Email The Manternet your random google finds and we'll post em.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
In freshman year at college, my roommate pledged a fraternity and brought me to my first fraternity party. As we walked down the stairs to the basement where all of the beer-pong tables where kept, he told me, "Don't walk into the room yet, I have to tell you something." As we peered into the room, which reeked of stale beer, he said, “Here is how you are going to get laid tonight. Spend an hour or so trying to pick out the girl that appears to have the lowest self-esteem and go after her.” This was a trick he had employed successfully many times. Whereas he thought he was teaching me a valuable lesson, something about it just didn’t sit well with me. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t feel sorry for the girl that I potentially may have conquered in this way but I felt badly for my friend for feeling the need to employ such a vulture-like sexual strategy. I get the same feeling I got that day when I read about the below television show:
These girls deserve to get objectified and laid too but putting them on display like this and highlighting their disabilities feels like it very much appeals to men like my old roommate. For them, the turn on is the easy kill – the woman with no other options and who is grateful for their attention because, well, who else would give it to them? The producers say it will be uplifting but I doubt anybody that would want to paint these women in a positive light would want to watch the show. I guess we will just have to wait and see. For now, I am just going to fantasize about the chick that’s missing a leg and lounging on the platform.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
See my favorite (so far) below:
For those people out there that say that this is supposed to be a children's game and this usage is offensive to you, too bad. Request a kids only universe but there is no way that kids can be protected from the millions of people that are going to be making sex creatures and incredibly violent creatures that will destroy every one of your child's animals.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Well, we here at The Manterent have worked with the top scientists to developed a way to deal with those troublesome protruding shards of flesh that cost you your dignity at the work place.
Step 1: Purchase a roll of industrial strength duct tape.
Step 2: Shave around the trouble areas. This will make it much less painful when you tear off the duct tape before you get intimate. Bleeding will most likely, but not in all situations, be reduced.
Step 3: Affix two 4 inch strips of duct tape criss crossing each other over the nipples, under the undershirt. This should suppress temperature or arousal based nipple erections, thus leading to that promotion that you so sorely deserve.
-Conan The Bloggarian
Sunday, June 15, 2008
-Conan The Bloggarian
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Beowulf is officially the second man to grab the the soon to be coveted title of "Manliest Man that Ever Manned." If punching through the eyes of cyclopean sea monsters, scoring with half naked mermaids, nude wrestling a murderous giant, boning a shape shifting milf, and cutting your own arm off to squeeze the heart of your illegitimate bastard dragon son with your bare hands doesn't make you a man, then I don't want to know what does.
-Conan The Bloggarian
Sunday, June 8, 2008
If you have a pair of fuzzy testicals squared away in your pants, than you probably know of Jackie Chan. Chan probably has more man balls in one of his many broken bones than any of us lazy bastards can ever dream of having in our fat bloated stomachs. He's jumped from a collapsing building, been run over by hovercraft, smashed open his skull, broken his nose three times and has probably shattered every bone in his body no less then 1 Billion times. (Check here for a more accurate and interactive diagram of how much more of a man Jackie Chan is than you.)
So, with Jackie throughly high five-d, check out some of these videos.
- Conan The Bloggarian
Police Story 2 Playground Fight
Most Heads ever smashed into Glass on Purpose! (Police Story 1)
Top 10 Stunts
Monday, June 2, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
1. girlish upper body strength
2. upper body strength that is equivalent that of a child with low testosterone levels.
While being mugged, I attempted to deploy a Steven Seagal combo move. Due to my embarrassing N.U.B.S I was unable to succeed and the criminal got away with my masculinity and my discover card.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Well, let me start off by describing what The Manternet is not. It is not a place to have a photo war about whose kitten is cuter. It also most certainly isn't a place to compare spreadsheets of your menstrual cycles.
The Manternet is the male perspective on anything and everything, ranging from proper ball shaving procedure to the meaning of life and everything in between, aka Steven Seagal.
It's The Manternet. Thats all you really need to know, feel free to punch yourself in the face.