Yo Gino! We Found Richie!

Mendoza sent in this pic, showing where that chicken shit pussy asshole, puke face rat bastard Richie was hiding all along. Someone email Seagal.

iPhone 3G Review: The Greatest Review Ever Written

**UPDATE** Apple released a 2.02 update alone with a modem firmware update. So far, i am getting better and more consistent reception in my apt. Also, the keyboard lag in SMS seams to have gone for good this time. This doesn't mean you don't have to read the review, you illiterate bastards.

Intro:

The Manternet isn’t really a gadget site per se, but then again its not really a website that uses the phrase “per se” a lot. I don’t claim to be enough of a nerd to be able to properly review any device more complicated than a coal BBQ. I mean brains are for pussies and ugly chicks. Any who, I never liked the original iPhone. I thought it was ugly, fat and slow. I never found aluminum and black to be an attractive color combination and the Edge network is as unbearable as any random Chuck Norris movie. However, the new 3G iPhone is one sexy piece of gadget ass. It has nice sleek Latin curves and the glossy black finish is nut bustingly gorgeous. If I’ve never had sex in my life I would mess my pants, but I have, so I know better than to blow my load over a gadget.

Interface:

Not much to say. Its simple and elegant enough for a rabbit to use. Oh, did I mention it’s not customizable, in any really sense of the word.

Keyboard:

Mantastic!!! I never had a Blackberry, but I did briefly own a touch screen windows mobile phone and I have to say that the integration of the keyboard throughout the iPhone is pretty solid. Purist will cry rivers of blood proclaiming tactile keyboards as king. Sure it’s easy to make a spelling mistake, but the internet is making people dumber and dumber, who’s going to notice if you spelt sumting wronge.

Sound Quality:

The call quality is really impressive. I have long hated Apple’s products that had anything to do with sound. (iPods are perfect for the YouTube generation, aka, people who consume vast amounts of low quality content.) Fortunately The iPhone 3G can be enjoyed by those who actually care about whether or not the person on the other end sounds like they are in a tin can. The music sound quality still isn’t quite as good as the Zune or any creative mp3 player, but only by a small margin. Unfortunately , the included head set feels like someone is sticking concrete dildos in your ears. Once you have successfully raped your ears with them, you will be treated to some of the worst sound quality you've ever experienced. Suffice to say you should add in a new headset to the cost of the device.

Safari:

The Faux Desktop browsing is certainly better then the junk you get on most phones. But it still isn’t real desktop browsing. There is NO flash support, no embedded QuickTime support, no tabbed browsing and no page search function. What will chap your pale hipster ass is that you can’t even search the damn page for a certain word or phrase; you have to douche-ily pinch and squeeze your iPhone like a molested child lost in the woods trying to find his pants! If you don’t have any use for the CNTRL-F function in a web browser than you won’t really care about that. But, I still find the experience enjoyable enough to waste hours of my time on it, unless I’m just trying to make myself feel better about the $90 after tax monthly bill.

Email:

I can't think of anything easier than setting up E-mail on the iPhone 3G, except maybe wining in a prison shank fight against a newborn baby.

Punches to the Cerebellum:General:

There are things that boggle the mind, but are ultimately very “Apple,” if you get what I mean. You can’t assign custom ring tones to text, email, or calendar notifications. You can’t even make your own ring tones on the fly, you need to use iTunes. On top of that, you can only make ring tones out of songs you purchased!!! Luckily there are websites like these. Also, the phone doesn’t switch fast enough between Edge and 3G, but Apple has admitted to the problem and is working on a solution.

iTunes:

Overall the phone is very good, if not great, but with the phone you get iTunes. iTunes is the absolute worst aspect of this phone. I would go as far as to compare it to any of Steven Seagal’s movies of the last 20 years. That is to say it is a gelatinous, sweaty bloated version of what it should be. It gobbles up your system resources and it is over simplified to the point where you wish it had a face just so you could round house it in the jaw. The main issues are that backing up takes at least 25 min, you can’t sync individual songs, and you can’t use the device on more than one computer without wiping out the phone first. Its too much of an all or nothing process. When you think about it, that sounds really manly, but in software it’s downright annoying. I don’t want to completely miss-state anything (only partially) but it at least does fill in the gaps on your phone. If you added a new contact or calendar event or song, it will add the new stuff on your *designated* computer. However, when it comes to media content, the fact that you don’t have the option to be selective is really silly. If however you are tyring to use a different computer or have recently bought a new one or reformated an old one, you get to go through the hassle of having iTunes clear everything off of the phone, even after you have authorized the new system. The unfairly hated and I feel much better Zune software offers a lot more control and flexibility.

Stability:

If there was ever a phone forged from steel this phone is certainly not it. It may just be the 2.0 software (even the 2.01 doesn’t help) but this thing goes down more often than abstinent tweenager in the stairwell at catholic school. Apple enthusiasts will scream and shout and throw wrinkled brows of doubt and confusion at you claiming their phone has never crashed EVER. As they sip their Pabst Blue Ribbon, feel free to punch them hard enough that they vomit that junk beer all over their GAP skinny jeans. If you befriend an Apple cultist, they will eventually let slip that the software is a big steaming pile of man-crap and crashes constantly. Some blame the Apps, one of the biggest most advertised features of the new software. If I can’t install apps because your quality control sucks balls, then don’t tell me how amazing it is to have an App store.

At&t Service:

Coming from Verizon, At&t is just not as good. There is no argument to be made, its just a simple fact. At&t's service isn't the nightmare some people would have to believe, but you do get a lot less signal strength going inside of even small buildings. I'd say their service is very good, while Verizon's is near perfect.

Outro:

The new iPhone 3G is like that hot stripper chick you want to break up with (wish you dated), but she is just too damn hot. She does a lot of things that make you feel really good, but doesn’t do certain more important things that she absolutely should be better at. Sometimes you want to have really deep intelligent conversations, but she is just 2 points away from being fully blown moron, but on the other hand she keeps YOU fully blown. The phone has reception problems, massive stability issues, sluggish contacts and customization limitations that will blow your mind, but in the end that ass is just too fine to return to where you bought it from. The good news is most of the problems I have with the phone should be fixed with the 2.1 update. Which, if you troll the numerous gadget sites, is the proper OS, not the half baked one they shipped with the device. Even better news is that you can use your purple headed warrior to navigate the iPhone3G, if you so desired.

If I possessed the ability to love, I’d have to say I really really like the phone.

Smells Like Bigfoot's Dick: For Reals this Time?

What you are looking at is the possibly the dead rotting carcass of Bigfoot, that a group of trackers stuffed into a igloo cooler. The mythological man-beast/supposed missing link between man and ape may be real. Just for the record, I don't believe there is a missing link. Everyone knows men were forged from steel. Whether or not this is really a dead Sasquatch these hunters shot in the face, or a guy in a Sasquatch suit that they mistook for a Sasquatch and shot in the face remains (pun fully intended) to be seen. Suspiciously the guys that found it wont reveal the rotting flesh to the public, but will be presenting some DNA evidence. We'll have to wait and see if Bigfoot really does exist, or that some poor schmuck in a suit, trying to perpetuate the myth, got his intestines rearranged.

http://cbs5.com/watercooler/bigfoot.remains.found.2.796097.html

Michael Phelps: Manliest Swimmer That Ever Swam

I'm not much of an Olympic watcher. Its not because I'm not manly enough, its because I'm too busy doing other manly things like punching small mammals and making gravel margaritas. Phelps has just won his 6th Gold Metal. Manpressive!!! Zues would be proud. This video shows his diet for when he is in training, totaling a gut puchining-ly 12,000 calories. His accomplishments are nothing short of enviable. He is one of the great Gold Medalist that ever lived, women across the globe want to rape him, but all I can think about is how many times a day this guy must take a shit.

Check the Link:

Publish Post

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/video/2008/aug/15/jon.henley.breakfast

Zeus' Mighty Thunder Bolt: Now with 100% Slow Mo

Behold, Zeus' thunderbolt in crotch punching slow-motion. Just in case you were wondering, no, it isn't a coincidence that even lighting looks like swimming sperm. Nature is just that manly.

Man-Tube Clip: Brass-Eyes, the Brass Balls of Eyes

Another great video from The British Bulldog. Brass-Eyes is a comedy team from the UK that ran amok about a decade ago. You can smell their influence in Sacha Baron Cohen, The Daily Show and any other faux news show.

The clip is quite mantastic, but I'm pretty sure I suffer from that disease.

Man-Tube Clip: Catchphrase

This comes courtesy of the British Bulldog. Oh Marita, you innocent fool.

Manliest Music Video (by default, not content)

Apparently breaking peoples arms helps your vocal chords. Take a man-gander at Steven Seagal's music video from his album, "Songs from a Crystal Cave." I'll keep this post short, since the video speaks for it self. I'm a little disappointed he didn't put in the trademark Seagal cock-walk, but he does beat the shit out of two kids in the video.

To quote Ron Burgandy (in the Alternate cut of Anchorman), "I...have no...words."

Man Tube Clip: Prepare to be Seagaled

Mr. T Debacle Exposes America's Politically Correct Puckered Ass

The link below is an article from a UK website that discusses some hullabaloo over a recent snickers ad campaign. Apparently BA Baracus shoots delicious nut filled candy bars at the wimpy ass of what The Human Rights Campaign feels is a mock depiction of a gay man. The Manternet absolutely does not endorse candy based hate crimes based on sexual orientation, race, or any other factor. We don't feel, in any way that homosexuals are second class citizens. More importantly, you should never mock speed walkers. Those are some vicious motherfuckers. Anywho, men are the superior gender, gay or straight. As you can see, this is decidedly the least homophobic man-based blog in existence. I feel like I should say fuck you, just to man things up.

There is a such thing as being ridiculously, unforgivably politically correct. In a very American move the Mars Corporation showed its utter lack of brass balls and gave into the excessive political correctness of The Human Rights Campaign by pulling the ad campaign; an ad campaign that doesn't even run in the U.S.A. There is a point where political correctness becomes more irritating than a nagging girlfriend. I think that tipping point is when you start spreading your tight assedness beyond the natural and cultural borders of your country. Stupid digital age!!! Only two complaints were logged in the U.K. over this ad. I thought those pale, blood pudding eating wankers were supposed to be the the puffers of the world, not the muscle brained Americans. Oh how times have changed. With all of the energy spent on getting ads pulled for overly sensitive organizations for people who are superficially insulted, there are a lot more important things going unfixed. For example, John McCain might actually become president of the U.S.A. Again, I feel the sudden urge to say FUCK YOU.

It's a good thing no one reads this blog, or the Human Rights for Meat Heads Campaign would have a field day.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/28/advertising1

Anyone For Hot Creepy Robot Sex? Depends, do we have to cuddle afterwards?

Well, robotics are finally approaching that age old litmus test of technology, "Can I fu#@ it?" It happened with the personal computer, the blender, the cell phone and even HDTV s. You name it and it hasn't become mainstream until it nailed that standard, statistically of course.

Can you imagine a world where kids are flying around on their hoover boards, magazine covers have animated advertisements and wingmen in bars around the world no longer have to take a hit for the team with the fat girl, but the robotic one? I mean, can you imaging how awkward it will be to have to reboot mid-coitus. Especially if it is anything like a CD tray on a computer, that closes shut whenever you restart.

Robotics experts (aka the sex depraved Japanese) say within 10 years we should be able to check our email, synchronize our outlook calenders and knock one out while listening to our favorite MP3's, all in the same Asian schoolgirl sex-droid. Here's to a bright future with universal health care and fu$@able robots.

I'm sure this is raising a few burning questions in your beer-soaked brains. Will it make porn obsolete? I mean, if you can program a hot sexy robot to do all of the things that you tug off to in hot sexy porn, then who needs porn? Does it count as sex if you don't have to buy it dinner?

I think the thing that is going to be the biggest problem with men having sex with robots is that they will grow to care even less about the G-Spot, which will bring to a boil the collective estrogen in the female population and there will be world wide nagging chaos on a biblical scale.

Don't forget to take the poll to the right and be honest!

Man-Item: Greatest Dryed Coconut Milk EVER!

This is the first in a no doubt endless series of posts. Man-Items are random products, food or otherwise, found in the wild that have some connection to being a man, juvenile or otherwise. (Is there an otherwise?)

I'm not sure how face punchingly man-like dehydrated coconut milk is, but this particular brand is at least attempting to appeal to the right audience. I found it in a Chinese Supermarket, where ironically enough nearly everything carried a MADE IN U.S.A sticker. So pick up a few cases of this dried coconut jank and sex up that curry sauce.

Please feel free to send in your finds to themanternet@yahoo.com Oh, and forget I said please.