Sunday, August 17, 2008

iPhone 3G Review: The Greatest Review Ever Written

**UPDATE** Apple released a 2.02 update alone with a modem firmware update. So far, i am getting better and more consistent reception in my apt. Also, the keyboard lag in SMS seams to have gone for good this time. This doesn't mean you don't have to read the review, you illiterate bastards.


The Manternet isn’t really a gadget site per se, but then again its not really a website that uses the phrase “per se” a lot. I don’t claim to be enough of a nerd to be able to properly review any device more complicated than a coal BBQ. I mean brains are for pussies and ugly chicks. Any who, I never liked the original iPhone. I thought it was ugly, fat and slow. I never found aluminum and black to be an attractive color combination and the Edge network is as unbearable as any random Chuck Norris movie. However, the new 3G iPhone is one sexy piece of gadget ass. It has nice sleek Latin curves and the glossy black finish is nut bustingly gorgeous. If I’ve never had sex in my life I would mess my pants, but I have, so I know better than to blow my load over a gadget.


Not much to say. Its simple and elegant enough for a rabbit to use. Oh, did I mention it’s not customizable, in any really sense of the word.


Mantastic!!! I never had a Blackberry, but I did briefly own a touch screen windows mobile phone and I have to say that the integration of the keyboard throughout the iPhone is pretty solid. Purist will cry rivers of blood proclaiming tactile keyboards as king. Sure it’s easy to make a spelling mistake, but the internet is making people dumber and dumber, who’s going to notice if you spelt sumting wronge.

Sound Quality:

The call quality is really impressive. I have long hated Apple’s products that had anything to do with sound. (iPods are perfect for the YouTube generation, aka, people who consume vast amounts of low quality content.) Fortunately The iPhone 3G can be enjoyed by those who actually care about whether or not the person on the other end sounds like they are in a tin can. The music sound quality still isn’t quite as good as the Zune or any creative mp3 player, but only by a small margin. Unfortunately , the included head set feels like someone is sticking concrete dildos in your ears. Once you have successfully raped your ears with them, you will be treated to some of the worst sound quality you've ever experienced. Suffice to say you should add in a new headset to the cost of the device.


The Faux Desktop browsing is certainly better then the junk you get on most phones. But it still isn’t real desktop browsing. There is NO flash support, no embedded QuickTime support, no tabbed browsing and no page search function. What will chap your pale hipster ass is that you can’t even search the damn page for a certain word or phrase; you have to douche-ily pinch and squeeze your iPhone like a molested child lost in the woods trying to find his pants! If you don’t have any use for the CNTRL-F function in a web browser than you won’t really care about that. But, I still find the experience enjoyable enough to waste hours of my time on it, unless I’m just trying to make myself feel better about the $90 after tax monthly bill.


I can't think of anything easier than setting up E-mail on the iPhone 3G, except maybe wining in a prison shank fight against a newborn baby.

Punches to the Cerebellum:General:

There are things that boggle the mind, but are ultimately very “Apple,” if you get what I mean. You can’t assign custom ring tones to text, email, or calendar notifications. You can’t even make your own ring tones on the fly, you need to use iTunes. On top of that, you can only make ring tones out of songs you purchased!!! Luckily there are websites like these. Also, the phone doesn’t switch fast enough between Edge and 3G, but Apple has admitted to the problem and is working on a solution.


Overall the phone is very good, if not great, but with the phone you get iTunes. iTunes is the absolute worst aspect of this phone. I would go as far as to compare it to any of Steven Seagal’s movies of the last 20 years. That is to say it is a gelatinous, sweaty bloated version of what it should be. It gobbles up your system resources and it is over simplified to the point where you wish it had a face just so you could round house it in the jaw. The main issues are that backing up takes at least 25 min, you can’t sync individual songs, and you can’t use the device on more than one computer without wiping out the phone first. Its too much of an all or nothing process. When you think about it, that sounds really manly, but in software it’s downright annoying. I don’t want to completely miss-state anything (only partially) but it at least does fill in the gaps on your phone. If you added a new contact or calendar event or song, it will add the new stuff on your *designated* computer. However, when it comes to media content, the fact that you don’t have the option to be selective is really silly. If however you are tyring to use a different computer or have recently bought a new one or reformated an old one, you get to go through the hassle of having iTunes clear everything off of the phone, even after you have authorized the new system. The unfairly hated and I feel much better Zune software offers a lot more control and flexibility.


If there was ever a phone forged from steel this phone is certainly not it. It may just be the 2.0 software (even the 2.01 doesn’t help) but this thing goes down more often than abstinent tweenager in the stairwell at catholic school. Apple enthusiasts will scream and shout and throw wrinkled brows of doubt and confusion at you claiming their phone has never crashed EVER. As they sip their Pabst Blue Ribbon, feel free to punch them hard enough that they vomit that junk beer all over their GAP skinny jeans. If you befriend an Apple cultist, they will eventually let slip that the software is a big steaming pile of man-crap and crashes constantly. Some blame the Apps, one of the biggest most advertised features of the new software. If I can’t install apps because your quality control sucks balls, then don’t tell me how amazing it is to have an App store.

At&t Service:

Coming from Verizon, At&t is just not as good. There is no argument to be made, its just a simple fact. At&t's service isn't the nightmare some people would have to believe, but you do get a lot less signal strength going inside of even small buildings. I'd say their service is very good, while Verizon's is near perfect.


The new iPhone 3G is like that hot stripper chick you want to break up with (wish you dated), but she is just too damn hot. She does a lot of things that make you feel really good, but doesn’t do certain more important things that she absolutely should be better at. Sometimes you want to have really deep intelligent conversations, but she is just 2 points away from being fully blown moron, but on the other hand she keeps YOU fully blown. The phone has reception problems, massive stability issues, sluggish contacts and customization limitations that will blow your mind, but in the end that ass is just too fine to return to where you bought it from. The good news is most of the problems I have with the phone should be fixed with the 2.1 update. Which, if you troll the numerous gadget sites, is the proper OS, not the half baked one they shipped with the device. Even better news is that you can use your purple headed warrior to navigate the iPhone3G, if you so desired.

If I possessed the ability to love, I’d have to say I really really like the phone.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you suck, the Iphone rules