Saturday, September 27, 2008

When vaginas just aren't enough...

Even Couric of South Park's unit of shit measurement fame (, episode #1109) is confused by what Palin is trying to say.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Letterman Says McCain Smells Like a Corpse, is a Coward and a Liar ( But Not in So Many Words)

David Letterman compliments, then punches McCain in the face. Verbally.

Co*% Deisel (Jeans that is)

Creative Porn.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Stem Cells to Destroy Baldness

Scientists have discovered a way to re-grow hair using stem cells and a special secret sauce. I don't know about you, but grounding up a few baby embryos to ensure I never go bald is a fair deal. (I know they don't actually need embryos anymore, but it makes for a better joke.)

50% of all men will experience some form of hair loss, Ranging from the bridge and tunnel look doll hair look to more of a James Gandolfini kind of problem. Either way, scientific breakthroughs like this are going to make for a interesting and hopefully baldness-less future. Soon, all those hot chicks will be able to focus on how shitty of a guy you are instead of how bald you look.

Apparently this treatment will be entering human trials and should be available in the next 3 years, unless Sarah Palin and company have something to say about it.

Shoot Your Meat: Dirty Harry Style

Finally! I can put mustard and ketchup on my food without feeling like a child. For too long we have not been able to shoot our condiments onto our food. We had to suffer the embarrassment of squirting it on, like weak gun-less fools. Perhaps the manliest household item since the Voodoo Knife Holder. It's got nothing on a 5 o'clock shadow, but its still pretty manly.

Has violence permeated every facet of society? NO!!!
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Punch Apathy in the Face: Watch the Debates

All right ladies (not literally ladies since estrogen is banned on this site but more like "ladies" in a jokingly derogatory way towards men), its time to put down your John Hancock and pay attention. On Friday, September 26 @ 9pm the first of three presidential debates will air on TV. Now obviously simply watching the debates will do nothing. But to ignore them and the entire process is to be oblivious. Being emotionally oblivious in a relationship is fine, but to stuff your balls in your ears concerning one of the most important presidential elections in history is to be a straight up douche bag. Sure, they will be verbally shitting on your chest with political rhetoric and forcing flaccid promises down your throat, but that's not the point. The point is to punch apathy in the crotch, tear out it's non-committal jugular and PAY ATTENTION!!!... while they shit on your chest. The worst case scenario is that on election day, millions of voting Americans will just sit at home and go through their morning you-porn routine as if it is a normal day, while our country gets stolen from us. You certainly can not leave it in the hands of the "energized youth."
Just as many of those hairy palmed d-bags voted last election as they did before people were impressed with their bullshit interest in politics. If the youth of this country (my demographic included) fucks us over again, I will make it my personal mission to punch every intellectually sycophantic , Birkenstock wearing, vacuous douche bag NYU student I come in contact with.

In closing this bearded ramble I would like to state that I personally don't think the debates are going to change anybody's minds. You watch the debate to root for your team, to be reminded why you chose to be a fan of your team. More importantly, you want to see your team beat the living crap out of the other team. I want to see Obama pulverize McCain and his broken elbows into a sack of quivering vaginas.